I appreciate you all coming out on a Sunday. My remarks will be brief.
I realize we’re still in the early days of the 2020 presidential campaign, but I think now is the perfect time to make my announcement. Less competition.
If we’ve learned anything in the last year it is this: that the presidency of the United States requires no particular background in governing, the military, the creation of public policy, or the law. In fact, knowledge of these areas is probably a liability. Republicans have already figured this out. Now the Democrats may be catching up.
Welcome to politics. In most professions, it is considered advisable to have some background in the field in which you intend to work—for example, plumbers who can actually replace faucets, a car mechanic who knows a chassis from an intake manifold, or a surgeon who’s background includes more than boo-boo’s and Band-Aids.
Instead, the modern presidential candidate proclaims his ignorance of the job as evidence of his fitness to win it. Don’t let the suits fool you, we’re told. It ain’t that hard. Any chump can run the place with just the good common sense God gave a dog.
After all, presidents are no longer someone we look up to. We want ‘em eye-to-eye with us. We measure our support for candidates by whether or not we’d want to knock back a few brews with them at the ballpark. Beyond that we just want someone who doesn’t talk snooty, loves his mother and his wife, can read a teleprompter, and prefers barbecue to tofu.
As for all that governmental stuff about the rule of law and currency manipulation and nuclear codes and environmental science—well, that’s what bureaucrats are for. They can fill him in when he’s not busy.
But now there’s talk about Oprah Winfrey running for president. This is based on a speech she gave in connection with the Golden Globe awards last week. It was a decent speech, filled with all the things folks have been talking about in speeches for the last couple of hundred years. So now folks are pretty worked up. Plus, according to Forbes, Oprah is only about $300-million dollars short of being as rich as our president, which, since he’s worth $3.1 billion, really isn’t that big a difference.
But best of all, Oprah’s someone you wouldn’t feel weird about having over for some fresh baked apple pie and ice cream, once you got used to all the Access Hollywood cameras on your front yard.
So let’s check off some boxes. Rich? Check. TV star? Check. Smart investments? Check. No previous government, military or legal experience? Check. Camera smarts? Check.
Okay, now let’s do the same thing for Oprah. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check.
Okay, I’m sold. And now that we’ve decided Donald Trump and Oprah Winfrey are presidential material we’ve come to the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Today I’m declaring my candidacy for the presidency of the United States of America.
It’s true I’m not as rich as our president or Ms. Winfrey. But on the plus side I have no governmental, military or legal experience, AND I’m, like, really smart. Unlike Oprah, I’m actually married to my long time partner, and unlike the president, she’s been my only wife for over four decades. Plus, I can kill it on a teleprompter.
My campaign slogan? Try this on for size: The sun’ll come out tomorrow.
It’s bright, it’s cozy, it’s optimistic, and it promises both everything and not a damn thing at the same time. Perfecto.
By the way, I haven’t decided yet if I’m running as a Republican or Democrat. We’ll see who comes across with the best offer. I don’t expect to be as rich as Donald or Oprah when this is done, although it would be nice to be in the neighborhood. But I’m not greedy.
By the way, I’m now taking applications for my Vice-President. Must love cats. That’s because I’m a dog man. Balanced ticket.
Well, thank you for coming today. Don’t forget, the sun’ll come out tomorrow. I’m pretty sure.